Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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