Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
