Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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