hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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