I smell stomach acid.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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