Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
