the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
