Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
