If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
