This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
