if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
