mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
