i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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