I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
