You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
