I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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