Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
