...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
