but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
