yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
