holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
