By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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