??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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