Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
