I will die if light touches me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
