any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
