I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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