my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
