Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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