Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
