I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Do vagina's smell?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
