I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
