I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
