How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
