I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
