Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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