this beer tastes like vomit already
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
