You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
