Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
