Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
