Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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