Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
