Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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