So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
there's paper in my vomit.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
