I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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