I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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