Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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