By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
