You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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