i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
