The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
