We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
